ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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