i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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