My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
