Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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