I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
