the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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