what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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