Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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