Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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