Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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