this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
