We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
