I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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