did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
