You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
