What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
