Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
