Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
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um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
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