i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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