hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
