I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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