I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
