I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?