Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
