I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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