Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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