i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
