I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
