You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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