Dual....:-)
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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