I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
