i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
