I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
