i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
