I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
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Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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