someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
