I'm jealous of your bromance
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
