Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
