Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
