I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
