It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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