I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
