i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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