i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
