I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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