Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
