I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
