I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
