i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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