omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
