Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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