Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
