My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
