I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
