:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
