Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i love accidental penises.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
