don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
