I am midnight drunk by noon
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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