ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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