Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
