I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i came on her dog
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
